All About Wassayaks

Everything you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask

A Bit of Background

Nestled at the top of California, at the bottom of a volcano, to the right of the ocean and left of pretty much everything else, we have Mount Shasta. This is where Wassayaks has set up camp. It’s the land of crystals, spring water, and intergalactic mountain-dwellers. Deep inside the mountain, it is said that the city of Telos still thrives, populated by an ancient race of highly-advanced blonde beings called Lemurians. To enter the city, you must possess a pure heart and some stratospheric vibrations, but don’t expect to remember the trip. Those who enter are sworn to amnesia upon leaving. Nevertheless, we have vowed to cater to earthlings and extra-terrestrials alike, and nothing would make us happier than serving up a delicious non-fat latte to some Telosian-in-disguise one day.

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Andy Espressoface

Big Kahuna

Born in Taiwan during the fiercest typhoon ever recorded, Andy is
called the “Bringer of the Storm” in
his native tongue. After moving to Mount Shasta, he set up shop as the resident stormbringer, and is now showering sweet caffeine rain upon the tired and thirsty.

Bennito Cappuccino


Bennito’s life began humbly. His first job was a short stint as a Soviet dictator, which was followed by a
quick and catastrophic fall from power. He has learned from his mistakes, though, and has since
risen to become one of the premier frothologists in his field. Just try not
to wear red around him.


 Elven Panini Princess

One day, as the Wassacrew was lost and wandering through some unfamiliar terrain on the far side of the mountain, they happened upon
a strange gathering of pointy-eared people who knew how to party. Filled with pity, Princess Audri Chai became their own personal elven Sacajawea and led them out of the forest, agreeing to stay with them and teach them the superior ways of her people.


Bean Whisperer

Raised by natives in the jungles of Kansas, Kellen was first taught the language of the coffee bean at a very young age. It was this instruction in the secret arts of coffee bean horticulture that provided him with the skills he now possesses as a certified bean whisperer, able to simultaneously speak to and hear from his caffeinated crop.

Jenna NinjaSalad

Blackbelt in Tai Chai

For most of her life, Jenna has been working with the masters in the hidden mountain ranges of Nepal.
It is said that as the perfumes of incense rose and mingled with the sweet Tibetan atmosphere, an
orange-cloaked monk tipped a steaming chai tea to his lips and
gave a knowing smile. Yes, this drink was perfect. She had achieved chai-scension.

Tiffany Three-Shot

Gift Shop Goddess

Once every thousand years, an ambassador appears from unknown origins to bring gifts for all. This ethereal being, whoever she may be,
is rarely seen but ever-present, wafting in the ether until needed. According to ancient prophecy, her return is imminent. And she’ll
probably bring coffee.



Micah is the brother of Mr. Espressoface, the cousin of Three-Shot, and distant relative to Walter Wonka, who is distant relative to Willy Wonka, who I assume has married a beautiful Oompa Loompa lady and has happily retired to the Candy Cane Forest by now. But I digress. Micah’s skills as a chocolate maker are rivaled by nothing except his skills as a chocolate eater, and soon he hopes to go into the distant family business and enslave a race of orange and green mutants to do his own confectionery bidding.